Men account for 75 per cent of suicides. Too many in our marine community have been affected by this loss. This Men’s Health Month, we’re sharing practical advice in a guest post from HeadsUpGuys on recognizing when someone may be struggling, starting difficult conversations and finding support.

Experiencing the loss of someone we knew and cared about is always difficult. Loss by suicide can be especially hard to navigate. Each loss leaves behind grieving families, shaken crews, and the same painful questions: Did we miss something? Could we have done something? What do we do now? There are no clear answers. 

Working through the process of dealing with a loss by suicide will look a little different for each of us, but there are important real steps we can all take, and they start with talking about something too many of us have been taught to keep quiet about: our mental health. 

Understanding what we’ve lost 

It’s natural after a suicide loss to search for the one event or reason that explains it. That search often isn’t possible, and it over-simplifies the pain that a man was facing. Depression is a key factor that contributes to one’s risk for suicide. The pain of deep depression can make it feel nearly impossible for someone to believe he can recover. Suicide reflects the severity of that pain, not a lack of will, effort, or character. 

This awareness of what often underlies suicide matters, because it pushes back against the blame and shame that keep crews silent after a loss. The man we lost was not weak or was selfish. And those around him did not fail him by not seeing what he was, very likely, working hard to hide. 

If you’re grieving 

Shock, confusion, anger, sadness, guilt – all are normal feelings to experience after a suicide loss. If you find yourself wishing you’d noticed warning signs or done more, know that the man you lost was likely shielding you from how badly he felt, believing he was protecting you. His silence was part of his illness, not a measure of your friendship. 

Whatever you’re feeling, let yourself feel it without judgement, especially if you’re not someone who usually shows emotion. Talking it out with a buddy, a partner, or a therapist keeps you from bottling things up (by the way, bottling up your feelings NEVER works). Support groups for people bereaved by suicide exist across B.C., and your Employee and Family Assistance Program can connect you with counselling. 

And if a crewmate is the one grieving, you don’t need perfect words. “I heard about ___’s passing, how are you holding up?” is enough. If he opens up, let him talk. If he’s not ready, be patient and keep checking in. Grief doesn’t run on a schedule. 

The shocking stats around suicide 

In Canada, men account for roughly 75 per cent of deaths by suicide. That works out to eight men every day, about 3,000 a year. For men under 50, suicide is the second leading cause of death. Over 1 in 10 Canadian men report having seriously contemplated suicide in their lifetime. That means men on every vessel, at every terminal, and on every shift are likely carrying these thoughts, often without ever sharing them with anyone. 

Recovery is possible. The gap between struggling and getting better usually isn’t whether help works, it’s whether a guy reaches out for it. 

Why men don’t reach out 

For many of us, our upbringing was shaped by certain unwritten rules about what it means to be a man: be strong, be self-reliant, handle your own problems, don’t burden anyone, don’t whine or complain. In a line of work built on toughness and getting the job done in any weather, those rules run even deeper. But by putting our heads down and toughing it out, we’re putting our selves at serious risk. Research has found that rigidly adhering to an attitude of self-reliance and not disclosing distress to others puts us at a higher risk for suicide. The traits that we were taught represent the epitome of manliness can be the very things that hurt us the most. 

What depression looks like 

Depression in men doesn’t always look like sadness.

It can sometimes show up as: 

• Anger and a short fuse – snapping at the crew, losing your sense of humour
• Reckless behaviour – drinking more, not caring about safety like you used to
• Physical complaints with no clear cause and trouble sleeping
• Pulling away – withdrawing from others, skipping things you used to enjoy

If a crewmate who used to joke around has become more distant, withdrawn or irritable, or a careful guy has started taking uncharacteristic risks, those can be warning signs.   

And this is non-negotiable: take any reference to suicide seriously, even when said as a joke. Comments about “checking out” or “everyone being better off if I weren’t around” are moments to lean in, not laugh off. 

How to show up for a crewmate 

You don’t need to be a therapist, just be caring, honest, and patient, the same way you’d cover for a someone physically injured on the job.  

Start a conversation by finding a quiet, private moment (on a walk or a drive can be more disarming for many men), then say what you’ve noticed: 

• “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. Anything up, maybe something I could help with?” 

• “I know you’ve been dealing with a lot and I’m concerned. How have you been feeling?” 

Then listen. Don’t rush to fix anything and don’t fear silence. Remind him that we all struggle at times and need to take our mental health seriously.  Going through a tough patch is nothing to be ashamed of. That’s part of being a human being. Encourage him to see a family doctor or therapist: offer a ride, or to go with him. And follow up. Checking in regularly tells him he’s not alone. 

A resource built for guys 

HeadsUpGuys.org is a free, anonymous, research-backed resource designed specifically for men struggling with their mental health. It includes confidential mental health self-checks, practical strategies and courses, a therapist directory, guidance for supporting a man who’s struggling, and stories from real men who’ve come out the other side.

Over 70 per cent of men who have used HeadsUpGuys’ resources have said it inspired them to take action toward recovery. 

Sending a crewmate the link only takes a few seconds. It could be the turning point in his recovery, and even save his life. 

If you’re the one struggling 

What you’re going through is more common than you think, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it can get better. Reaching out isn’t a weakness; it’s you taking control. Start anywhere: with a buddy you trust, your family doctor, your EFAP, a therapist, or HeadsUpGuys.org. 

And if you’re in crisis, call or text 9-8-8,  Canada’s Suicide Crisis Helpline, any time, day or night. 

Final thought 

You look out for each other on the water and on the shore. It’s in the job description. Being there for each other literally saves lives. 

For more information, tools, and support, visit HeadsUpGuys.org.

In a crisis, call or text 9-8-8, available 24/7 across Canada.

Submitted by Joe Rachert, HeadsUpGuys